I hate writing. I should do an audio post, wait.. isn’t that like a podcast sort of thing? I don’t like writing, you can’t hear the tones in my voice and most importantly, you can’t here the scarcasm. Sucks.

Anyhow, on to my rant. That seems to be all I’m doing these days. But really, I can’t help it. My life is sooo bitter right now it is definitely one of the low points in my life. Moving away from home seemed so exciting at first but now I wish I could just stay there. I never realized that how stressful and so lonely life can be. I leanrt that friends are not really friends. Or maybe I just  haven’t found the true friends sort of type yet.. I don’t like this feeling anymore. Where you talk to someone because you want to get something, friends feel so fake. I want to scream. Now that I’ve alienated myself, loneliness is coming back to haunt me. You know? I’ve always thought I coped well with loneliness, I had friends but I’ve never really thought that I needed anymore. Still don’t, but it’s lonely. I miss the times when we used to laugh and talk about pointless things, how we used to make.. just have fun doing stupid things.

I know compared to a lot of people my life is good. My parents give me money, I get to buy almost whatever I want, I don’t have to worry about living costs. But, I just can’t see really friends. I think that is really really sad for the first time in my life. At the moment I’m soo tired, mentally. I’ve never thought uni was going to make me feel this way. If I don’t sink into depression and end up with suicide. I am definitely going to end up as a better person.

And why doesn’t this thing has spell check..

…

Lately I’ve been feeling very irritable and believe me, if you knew why, you would be too. I can’t actually talk to anyone about my problems so all I’ve managed to come up with is typing it up and deleting it as soon as I’m done. I type and I re-read through my stuff and sometimes it just feels really sad.

Sometimes I feel like I have problems, I think I might even have anger management issues. And once again, I don’t feel like there is anyone I can actually talk to. It’s times like these that make me really understand and appreciate good close friends. I for one do not believe I really have. It’s not that i don’t really want to be close to people but I don’t think I can. I naturally shy away from people, sometimes it’s because I don’t know how to communicate with them and other times it’s because I fear rejection. But then again, there are other times when I just don’t care.

Not only do I think people have a hard time keeping up with me but I can’t even understand myself at times. I mean.. what the hell am I thinking half the time baffles myself. There with be times when I feel the world is just all dark, times when I just want to sit in the dark and stare into nothingness. Other times I jump around and I feel like I’m in the air. Weird huh..

In my A Levels I psychology and I learnt a bit on depression and schizophrenia. To me, I feel like I slip between them. More towards the bipolar depression. At times I’m on highs end and other I sink down low. I’ve learnt enough to know that I’m not really bipolar. Although sometimes jumping off a building does seem mildly tempting. My urges just aren’t that extreme.

Normally I would have deleted this by now, I never let it get more that 2 paragraphs long but today seems different. I want to save this, I want to look back and.. I duno.. I think I want to see how I would feel re-reading this back sometime.

As Far As I Can Go

At my current stage is probably the most confusing, frustrating and scariest point of my life. I need to decide on what I must do in the future. It feels different from when your parents asked you when you were younger, what you wanted to be. At this point of my life I have to make a very serious decision. I know there will be a time when my parents will no longer be able to shield or protect me. I don’t like the thought of stepping into the unknown, even if I were to prepare for it, I don’t know what I want to do. What if my plan doesn’t follow, what if something in my plan changes, what if I my plan was wrong from the beginning? What if I couldn’t turn back and start over. Would I have to live up to my families’ expectations, would they be disappointed if I don’t live how they wanted me to?

I want to try though. I want to try and face the problems and overcome any difficulties. I still don’t know what I want to do in life but I think it’ll be somewhere along the lines of Arts and Design, I also want to open a business (though it may be difficult). My mother thinks I should pursue in Psychology as it is more respectable (in another words more stable and more income) and I secretly agree with her. My grades won’t make the mark though. Art and Design is big area, I need to think carefully what I actually want to do. I don’t know what will come in the future. I don’t know what to do when it does come. I do want to know though, what will I do when it comes. How far I can go in this maze, until I can find the exit. And until I find what I really want to be.

What to do

I can probably think of a lot of reasons why I haven’t been posting in this blog or being doing much at all recently. 

I am fully aware that I have many many things to be getting on with and the internet can probably entertain me for hours. But anything I do.. doesn’t seems to satisfy me anymore. Recently I’ve noticed, I have been taking little interests in things. Maybe this is what others may refer to as “bored with living”. It’s not like I’ve seen the world and I’m bored now or feeling even slightly suicidal. Everything just seems to be, well.. boring. There is nothing I want to do, nothing I want to watch, nothing I can think of even doing. In fact, I think I’ll be happy to sleep all day if I could. Nothing seems to appeal to me. I haven’t even been going out, I’m saving myself a small fortune in my little bottle. Under normal circumstances this would normally be something quite nice, now it’s just making me feel depressed. I have a strange feeling it might be the whether affecting me. It’s been really cold and it even snowed on monday. Cold equals bed. Or maybe I’m tired. I haven’t done much of my homework, especially my art and it’s wearing me down, mentally.  

 

On a good note though, the Poppuri event in TO is back! The last one we had was pretty recent so it was sort of surprising that another was held so soon. (Though the last newsletter did hint the event was coming back). The prizes were not as great as the ones previously given out and it’s unlikely we would reach Stage 7 of the event. Which is something new as GMs normally have to create more stages because we drilled so much. Not going to reach the last stage is probably due to the fact that the boxes are now harder to find, the amount of boxes needed in order to get to the next stage has risen and more importantly, the driller boy and driller girl had been removed a month before the event started. I was looking forwards to the Queen Odinea boxes and the GMs recharging all our myshops for 7 days. 

The EXP event does seem very good but last time it was held, it wore me out physically and mentally. I was begging for my bracer to end. Still achieved a fair amount of levels though, I shot through the rankings. (Currently being pushed down I think) I also wonder what the Princess boxes would contain. I hope it’s going to be blue or some sort.. my kitty’s current colour scheme D:

Can’t think of what to write now, please tune next time to.. err.. forget it..

Spider Lilies

Spider Lilies or 刺青 is a Taiwanese film about two lesbian girls played by Rainie Yang and Isabella Leong and directed by Zero Chou. 

 

I’m not going to write about the storyline but if you’re interested, you can read about it here or watch it here. I have to say though, the subbing isn’t great and there are parts where there are no subs at all. My chinese wasn’t as bad as I thought so it wasn’t as much of a problem for me. If your chinese (mando) is crap then I think there’s another version on Youtube.      

I found this by chance, I was watching The Mummy 3 and I looked up Isabella Leong. I thought the title Spider Lilies was interesting so I clicked. 

I do have some of Rainie Yang’s music but I’m not really that familiar with her, I didn’t know she acted too. 

My opinion of the film.. it was ok I guess. Can’t say I really paid much attention to it to be fair. Was uploading Younha’s links and watching music videos at the same time. (Don’t ask how I managed that, I don’t know)

I’m not really into girls and girls but this pic ish hawt.

Younha links FIXED

Took a while but I’ve finally fixed all the dead links on the page, I’ve added a lil extra more too ^^

It’s really annoying to actually upload it one by one and I’m pretty sure a lot of people prefer to download the whole album.. but the reason I break it apart is so that people don’t have to take on what they already have and it also lets people preview the song before actually downloading it.

Say.. why don’t I have a poll. This way people can tell me how they would prefer it without having to actually post.

Blog Polls

Merry Christmas

Another year, another day.

Some days we passed happily

Other days were grey

Whether we found joy

Or were bound by grieve

Another year is another day

Start anew or repair old ways

Do what you can, do what you may.

Live to the fullest for the next day.

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you’ve all had a good year. Mine has been.. amusing. I’ve met new people, lost old friends. Done my coursework and err.. failed the course. There’s been good and bad I guess. 

I’m proud of the skills I have acquired throughout the year, regret not being as good to my parents as I should have been.. 

 

 

Wow..

All the links to Younha’s musics seem to be dead.. means I have to upload it all again..

Took me ages last time, and it wasn’t fun. ARGH, why???

It’ll be a week until I have time to do those all again and possibly other artists too. Be patient if you can. If not, yell very loudly and I might answer your prayers.

Back to writing the last part of my psychology coursework~

Myolie Wu

Myolie Wu

The Mp3s are Meant for Promotional Purposes Only and Their Sole Copyright Rests With Their Respective Audio Music Company.
If You Download Them You Must Delete Them Within 24 Hours.
Buy Original CDs to Support Your Favorite Artists.

感激遇到你

單身旅行

浪漫世紀

More to come, but Ima late for school now DX

Younha

Younha

I know she also does Japanese songs. As she is actually Korean she will remain in the Korean Artist section. Just to keep it clean.

At the moment I’l be putting tracks here. They shall be moved soon though.
The Mp3s are Meant for Promotional Purposes Only and Their Sole Copyright Rests With Their Respective Audio Music Company.
If You Download Them You Must Delete Them Within 24 Hours.
Buy Original CDs to Support Your Favorite Artists.

Audition

Gossip Boy

기억 (feat. 타블로) (Rap Mix)

Hero

Someday

레파시

Rain & The Bar

빗소리

Rainbow

Best Friend

Strawberry Days

For Catharina

미워하다

My Song and…

울지마요

기억 (Original Mix)

텔레파시 (inst.)

미워하다 (inst.)

Delete

Child – I Cry

Password 486

A Perfect Day for Love Declaration

Hello Beautiful Day

Just Today

Love Term

Fly

Innermost Feelings

Young Greed (Feat. Wheesung)

Alice

Child – I Cry (inst.)

Password 486 (Inst.)

혜성

좀 더 둘이서

첫눈에

Touch

혜성 (Inst.)

한 우산 아래

손을 잡고서

If

내일도 맑은 하늘처럼

약속

해바라기

파란빛 레몬

오렌지 첫사랑

추억은 아름다운 기억

첫눈에 (Inst.)