Lately I’ve been feeling very irritable and believe me, if you knew why, you would be too. I can’t actually talk to anyone about my problems so all I’ve managed to come up with is typing it up and deleting it as soon as I’m done. I type and I re-read through my stuff and sometimes it just feels really sad.
Sometimes I feel like I have problems, I think I might even have anger management issues. And once again, I don’t feel like there is anyone I can actually talk to. It’s times like these that make me really understand and appreciate good close friends. I for one do not believe I really have. It’s not that i don’t really want to be close to people but I don’t think I can. I naturally shy away from people, sometimes it’s because I don’t know how to communicate with them and other times it’s because I fear rejection. But then again, there are other times when I just don’t care.
Not only do I think people have a hard time keeping up with me but I can’t even understand myself at times. I mean.. what the hell am I thinking half the time baffles myself. There with be times when I feel the world is just all dark, times when I just want to sit in the dark and stare into nothingness. Other times I jump around and I feel like I’m in the air. Weird huh..
In my A Levels I psychology and I learnt a bit on depression and schizophrenia. To me, I feel like I slip between them. More towards the bipolar depression. At times I’m on highs end and other I sink down low. I’ve learnt enough to know that I’m not really bipolar. Although sometimes jumping off a building does seem mildly tempting. My urges just aren’t that extreme.
Normally I would have deleted this by now, I never let it get more that 2 paragraphs long but today seems different. I want to save this, I want to look back and.. I duno.. I think I want to see how I would feel re-reading this back sometime.
